Atheist Revival Meeting

Folks, it has come to my attention that some other atheists on other sites are indicating that we here at SO are not real atheists. We may even be crypto-Christians who appear in atheist guise to delude the unfaithful. So, I and Jeff and Bradley—and you atheists who frequently comment, like Scott, Ryan, and PDH—are all under a cloud of suspicion. Well, we might as well admit it. We are backsliders. We are lukewarm in our unbelief. We occasionally show respect to theists, whereas furious, venomous denunciation is the mark of a true atheist. Recognizing this state of affairs, and confessing myself as one of the leading sinners (I recently devoted a whole post to saying good things about Christianity), I think it is high time we had an atheist revival meeting. We will need to hire a tent and a choir and get a preacher with a voice of brass and an Elvis-like pompadour. I imagine the service will go something like this:
 
Brothers and sisters, what do we believe in???
 
In No God, Pastor!!!
 
Say it again, brothers and sisters, say it like you mean it!!!
 
WE BELIEVE IN NO GOD!!!
 
Listen to me, you backsliders, you triflers with the Word of Dawkins!  Listen and Repent!! Do we believe C.S. Lewis???
 
No!
 
Do we believe William Lane Craig???
 
NO!!!
 
Do we believe Josh McDowell???
 
NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
 
That’s right my brothers and sisters in Nothing. We reject, we repudiate, and we despise all things Christian!!!
 
AMEN!!!
 
We know that all Christians are fools!!!
 
AMEN!!!
 
We know that Christians are lower than NFL players who punch out their girlfriends!!!
 
AMEN!!!
 
We know that the Bible is nothin’ but a pack of dirty lies written by con men to fool superstitious idiots!!!! Say “Hallelu-Nothing!”
 
“HALLELU-NOTHING!!!”
 
We know that no Christian has ever done anything good!!!
 
YES, PASTOR!!!
 
We know that we are way smarter than any Christian!!!
 
YES PASTOR!!!
 
So, if you are ready tonight, ready to give your life to No God, ready to make a commitment right now, then just come forward to the altar while the choir sings….

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